Monday, September 29, 2014

Equal Spread

Birth control is always an issue.  I so welcomed menopause.

 
Equal Spread

Well I just won’t do it
do sex anymore

but it’s all sex
my daddy said
if you want to keep your man
it’s all sex
you want to keep your man
don’t give him no cause to run around
it’s all sex baby

so I ask myself
what’s a woman to do
castrate, mutilate or self pollute
continue to try discipline and self control
or just don’t do it.

how many times have I laid upon that table
and spread my legs
fifteen times at least for each child
that’s sixty
once a year for twenty fertile years
that’s eighty
four cuts and stitches
pain killing shots and drugs
I even had the contents sucked out twice.

why
you’d think just once
he’d lay upon that table
spread his legs
and cut that flow.
© 1984






On Feeling Like a Shitty Mother

In 1984 I had just read Adrienne Rich's book "Of Woman Born."  She said that until women start writing the truth about there experience, no matter how painful, no one will know the truth about women.  So I did. 


On Feeling Like a Shitty Mother

Sitting at the kitchen table
my face is on fire

allergy
or is it stress?

I can barely write
my writst won’t move

we just took her to the airport
my fourteen year old daughter
she’s been living with her father
for the past nine years

one week just wasn’t enough

I  cried
I never cried before when she left
I tried to hold back the tears
what the fuck, I said
just let them flow

I cried for being such a shitty mother
for leaving her when she was five
for her wanting me to come back
and I never did
for not hearing her sing in the choir
for  not seeing her lead cheers
or play basket ball
for not being there when she came home from school
for not listening to her tell me what’s going on in her life

I cried
and the tears rolled down my face the salt set my skin on fire

What a wreck, I said
what a mess
red circles around puffy eyes
red streaks down each side my nose
and all along my jaw

one week just wasn’t enough

part II

sitting at the kitchen table
my face is on fire

my three year old asks me questions incessantly

what is this?

I keep writing

What is this?

I keep writing
I just don’t want to deal with him right now

What is this?  he asks again

 plunger, for when the toilet gets stopped up

but what is this?

and I snap
I just told you! it is a plunger
enunciating every syllable
wanting to scream

my face is on fire

I’m angry at this father
why is he here?
I want to call him up and demand his appearance
right now!

And when father finally arrives
son wants to play with him constantly
and I want to talk to father
and son and I fight for father’s attention
and father leaves

what’s the use?
of anything?

It’s a gray day
the kitchen’s a mess
as usual

my face is on fire

I have to talk to the IRS tomorrow
I am a delinquent taxpayer
and my bank account is overdrawn

I can’t pay you as much as I said I would
I told the woman on the phone

You mean you defaulted? She asks.

Well, yes, I guess so I answered
thinking how criminal that sounded
been spending too much time
worrying about who my husband was fucking
instead of tending to business
I wanted to tell her

But what did she care

We’re back to the old routine now
he’s not fucking her anymore
I gave him an ultimatum

It’s either her or me
I’m not risking any disease

Part III

mommie,  I’m hungry

I keep writing

mommie, I’m hungry

I keep writing

And he starts tugging at my arm
mommie I’m hungry

and I snap again
alright! What do you want?

a banana

more tears
and the salt burns
my face is on fire

and I cried again
for being such a shitty mother
© 1984




This is my first chapbook published in 1986.  I had to type it up, cut it up, paste it up and take it to Kinkos and make copies for the pages of the book.  The image is a drawing by Madelaine Enochs of a depression era photograph by Dorothea Lange. 



 

No Credit

No Credit
I’ve got no credit

they levied my account today
the IRS
took out all my money
can’t pay my bills
the money’s all gone
and I’m overdrawn

well then lady
you got no credit
can’t lend you no money
‘cause you got no credit

how come you don’t pay your taxes when due?

‘cause they’re too high
when you got babies
they’re too high

didn’t have no food
the day the taxes was due
so I used all the money
fed the babies instead

got no credit
and the baby got sick
took him to the doctor
and the doctor said
need my money today, lady
need my money today . . .

but

I haven’t got the money today
I said
I need help

You gotta job lady
you gotta W-2
no help for you
gotta be down and out
before the man
who pays the tax man
comes thru for you

maybe

business is good now
money comin’ in
pay the taxes every month
and the balance goes up

it’s penalty and interest
they say
I don’t send enough
their way

how do I get out of this mess? I ask
save save save my daddy said
save 10% says the book I read

Okay
okay
I will

business is slow now
snowed all day and the day before
gotta pay the rent
gotta pay for the heat

another baby’s comin’
can’t work all day
didn’t want my tubes tied
don’t want to suck it out
there’s gotta be another way

they levied my account again today
the IRS
took out all my money
how’d I get in this mess?

Is it too many babies?

Well I want to say
to the tas man
these babies aren’t
just for me

to the tax man
I want to say
in 25 years
when you’re old and gray
whose gonna change your bedpan?
©1986

Punk at three and a half

 
            Punk at three and a half


            We got a note from his teacher
            I mean, he’s only three and a half

            It’s the sillies, she said
            he’s got the sillies
            he won’t settle down
            and do his work
            he’s just too silly
            having too much fun
            he doesn’t seem to know
            what is socially unacceptable.

            I’ve been wondering what would happen
            all this freedom he’s been having
            I never say no
            unless
            it’s morally wrong
            or
            physically damaging.

            So this is how he turned out
            too silly.

            What is socially unacceptable, anyway?
            I ask.

            Playing in his food.

            Interesting, I say, considering
            his favorite friend is an artist
            and she calls food art
            and Hershey’s syrup food paint.

            Maybe he’s making food art?

            And about his hair
            maybe it would be better
            if he didn’t get it cut so short
            it disrupts the class
            the children gather ‘round him
            what did you do to your hair?  
            they ask
            and they all want to touch it.

            Oh my God
            they want to touch him?

            He’s the one who wants it cut so short
            do you think it could be
            he likes to be touched?

            So this is how he turned out
            too silly
            having too much fun
            and he likes to be touched

            What is socially unacceptable
            anyway?  (c) 1984


If you're the child of a writer you can expect that at some point you will be written about.  It's easier when the kids are young.  It gets harder as they get older.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe when they are younger it's expected that the parent will have opinions.  When the kids get older those opinions are more open for debate.  And it's not that you don't want to debate them.  Just not with your kids.









           


           
           


Sunday, September 28, 2014

An Answer to a Child’s Cry


 
How do we answer all our children and grand children's question?  I wrote An Answer to a Child's Cry many years ago.  Recently my daughter, Dana, the mother of my grandson's pictured above, asked for a copy.  "You should make a blog of your poetry," she suggested.
 
An Answer to a Child’s Cry


You are unique, darlin’
Unique at this very moment
The way you dress
The way you write
The smile you share
You are an original
There are not duplicates
There is no one to compete with
You are unique
And you have a unique
Relationship with God
Your are meant to be eternal
To live forever

So listen
Listen to the distant echo
Calling to your soul
Be yourself and get
That this is it

There are no more tomorrows
Get that this is it
And the journey begins
The race is on
The choice yours
The goal faith
You know
The don’t worry
Everything will be all right faith
Get the faith
Get the don’t worry
And you’re home free

Get the this is it
Give thanks for what you’ve got
Imagine what you want
And you’re home free

Then your real life begins
Your life of growth
‘cause when you’re growing
you are living life to its fullest
and growth is where it’s at, darlin’
so take a chance and grow

there’s no need to worry
remember
you got the faith
you got the
don’t worry
every thing will be all right faith

being here now
is
the passage to growth

the passage growth
is
the way it is

the way it
is
this is it

get that this is it
and the journey begins
the growth begins

. . .and through it all
through all the growth
through all the change
who you are
remains the same
in the presence of change

. . .and the gift you give
is being committed
to doing good
to living love.

(c)1986

Sunday, June 9, 2013

 
The Garden Girls as Performative Text

            “So what about meaning,” I asked.  “Can words by meaningless?”
            “Well, what do you think?” Fuchsia fired back.
            I told her it was arbitrary.  “Half of what we say we don’t know
            Because most of us are figuring it out as we go along.”
           
            Yolanda Broyles-Gonzalez writes in her book El Teatro Campesino: “The great-man/text-centered/chronological-linear approach, a construct predominantly in Eurocentric history and print culture obscures more than it reveals.”  Her own writing emerges in dialogue and each chapter reveals facets of that dialogue.  She has been guided more by a concern with the dynamics of the El Teatro Campesino’s creative process than with a gathering of discrete facts.  When she met Felipe Anu, who worked his whole life as a migrant farm worker, he talks about the significance of memory in learning stories and in no particular order.
            “Well, perhaps I would get one or two bits from a clown.  And tomorrow . . . I would get another bit . . . And I would get ideas from the street . . . and my friends would tell me a joke, I would memorize it . . . It would stay in my head . . . and this is how I developed my sense of style.”
            Broyles-Gonzalez constantly affirms this shared communal nature and the process of free and constant sharing repudiating the dominant culture’s linear approach.  She positions her work “. . . within the Mexican working class tradition, orality and oral culture.”  I position The Garden Girls Lettersand Journal in a community of women, engaged in an ongoing saga, weaving words through simultaneous conversations.

                        Clove was the one who preached against knowing where you’re going.              “That’s not art,” she said, “that’s not living the creative life.  If you want             adventure, then you’ll have to give up planning ahead.”
                        Of course I can’t do that, not right away.  I would have to plan ahead             regarding not knowing for the rest of my life.

            Can I render my personal transformation becoming an artist, a physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual process in words alone?  My life does not have a linear overview.  To present it linearly obscures its complexity.  By creating an experiential reading the body is involved in the production of meaning.  The order is not rigidly fixed but subject to change dependent on numerous factors; the reader, the environment, the reader’s response.  The reader creates her own pacing, ritual, rhythm or beat.  An active reading occurs, a performance language of reading, a visual art, a performance art, a literary art.

                        When does it happen?  When does the voice of authority arrive, the thinking and speculating end and the assertion begin?
                        “Look at your hands,” Clove said.
                        “I think you mean it,” Rose said.
                        “Of course I mean it,” Clove said.
                        “Look at your hands, Rose, it’s all in your body, in the way you walk, the             way you smile, the way you think.  Look at your hands, take a deep breath and             you’ll find the words.”

            Sue-Ellen Case did not organize her book, Feminism and Theater, along either developmental or chronological lines.  Instead she organized it like a sampler of techniques, theories, positions, issues, explorations and practices.  Each chapter is complete in itself, allowing the reader either to read it in order or to pick out single selections.  She introduces new ideas such as personal theater as a means of extending the limits by considering the experiences of women as definitive.  Like Broyles-Gonzalez she presents a connection between a social movement and performative art.
            Case reveals how “women have excelled in the personal forms of dialogue: letters, in the sphere’s of written communication, and conversation, in that of the oral.  This personal dialogue is created by partners in production rather than by an absent author.”  Personal conversation is not removed from life.  It operates by enactment, and engaged dialogue, rooted in everyday life, the dialogue of present time.

                        “Can,” Lavendar asked, “intimacy occur without sex?”
                        “Well of course,” Echincea, Nettles and Clove responded quickly, with             authority.
                        “How?” I asked.  “I know about intimacy in sex.  That place of getting             close, real close, face to face.  Where you can feel and smell the breath.  Where             you can see the tiniest hairs on the stillest arm.  Where you can climb inside             another’s rhythm.  Where you have no other thought, but the thought of that             tender moment.  Where one’s pleasure is the pleasure of another.”

            Case reminds us “performance art produces its own genre where women can perform their own unique experience.  Women choose personal sites for their performances, explore new relationships to their own bodies and to their bodies of work.”  I have begun to look at my life as perfomative, my writing as an artist’s book, my letters as collaborative performances, myself as expert. The Garden Girls Letters and Journal is performative text on the page and is meant to be experienced. What if the reader claimed her power to ascribe meaning and that meaning was valid?  What if the reader is not meant solely to understand only the author’s meaning but is encouraged to create meaning in much the same way we try to ascribe meaning to a conversation we just happened upon?  This approach invites investigation further into questions of authority, power and questioning.  Can I be inserted in the body of my work?  In the Garden Girls I use the first person as a form of liberation from the impersonal and to expose layers of personal experience.

                        “And you don’t have intimate friends?” Clove asked.  “You don’t follow             the breath of your girlfriends, never letting your thoughts wander, your eyes dart?              You don’t watch her closely when she talks, noticing the newest gray hair, the             slightest wrinkle in her cheek?  You don’t hear the tiniest creak in her voice and             cackle in her smile?”

            I intend The Garden Girls to be considered as experts, in the moment, without a history that precedes them.  When Broyles-Gonzalez interviewed longstanding members of El Teatro she discovered “they had never been viewed as legitimate interpreters or experts of their own work and life experience.”  If we don’t contextualize our work, someone else will.  In order to substantiate the necessity for contextualizing ones own work Broyles-Gonzalez asks us to consider: “In seeking to characterize El Teatro Campesino, Luis Valdes, kiddingly described it as ‘somewhere between Brecht and Cantiflas,’. . . and was promptly taken at face value by many critics . . . (who) avidly seized the European reference to Brecht . . .while discounting the Mexican reference and tradition.”
           
                        “Is your writing always so erotic?” Clove asked.
                        “Only when I get close to the bone,” Rose answered.  Getting close to the             bone is where passion rode.  Close to the bone in a simple conversation.

            El Teatro relied on a distinctly chincana/o aesthetic to affirm an alternative social vision.”  For the Garden Girls to affirm an alternative social vision their form is as significant as what they have to say. Broyles-Gonzalez frequently emphasizes this fact. “In reality oral culture is typically not just spoken words but words defined by their life in the world, hence inseparable from the context and from the body and voice that utters them.” 
            The Garden Girls’ personal dialogue plays out best to personal friends.  The question then becomes who is not a friend and how do I broaden my friendships to be more inclusive?   It’s the conversations and the dailiness of life that the girls are perfoming via being read individually, as letters, in no particular order, leaving open opportunity for the performative aspect by reader. Broyles-Gonzalez emphasizes, “Oral culture is by definition situational and not abstract . . . and involves not only words, but the entire body engaged in the dailiness of life.”

                        “When does talk become sex?” Clove asked.
                        “When the writing is close to the bone where the passion rides.”
                        Rose was frustrated, to say the least.  She knew by the way her words             paused, by how she was so careful what she spoke.

            Broyles-Gonzalez considers art as social action.  The art as object approach consumes, by means of various literary theories, without consideration of the social conditions of the writer or the reader.  When we look at the text linearly with an expectation of knowing what came before and significant character development, we can never truly experience the intimate connections between the texts and the actualities of human life and the activity that results in text.  Isn’t it equally valid and interesting to wonder about the suffering that went before? What is left unsaid is as interesting and vital.
            Like Leslie Labowitz’s performance art piece Sproutine where she waters her plants, nude, leads her audience to her garden, reads to them from The Secret Garden and feeds them sprouts, Broyles-Gonzalez wants to place the concept of orality at the center ot El Teatro. The Garden Girls seek to come to terms with their own self identity and place the concept of orality at the center of their letters to provide a necessary retreat, an opportunity for momentary surrender.





           

           
             



 
I Lust for Content

I told the writing group that all my writing had been created during group writing practices.  This, I said, has been going on for over ten years, now, as my lust for improvement continues.  Currently, I’m paying attention to other forms of writing.  Last night, or rather early this moring, 3:00 a.m. to be exact, I was at the computer typing as Johnny read to me from the four page paper he wrote on Brave New World.   He had waited, as always, to the last minute.  I was pleasurably surprised at what he had written.  It was a mirror, a simulucrum, the thin line between art and reality.  What we was writing about was not different that who he was.  I faced my own reality of struggle.  While I do agree with the awareness of the conditioning workers through eductation, I also am conscious of my own struggle to let go.  It’s walking both sides of the fence.  You don’t want to support your children in dropping out until you know that it is a decision they have embodied fully, not just a passing reactive stance.  To embody is difficult to identify.

I noticed a thrill in Johnny, a slight flutter, only a mother could perceive when he became aware that his paper was not only complete, he was proud.  This was a first time occurrence for him regarding writing.  When I had printed out my own essay,  The Garden Girls as Perfomative Text with an emphasis on being able to contextualize one’s work, I too was momentarily thrilled to see ideas I had embodied were so effortlessly applied to the page.

“What do you mean by context?” Larry asked me during our usual early morning breadfast conversation about life.

“Being able to talk about what you are doing in your work,” I answered.  In this competitive world, if you want people to take your work seriously, you have to be able to tell them, in a way they can understand, what your are writing about. 

“I know, I know,” I said, “many artists want their work to speak for itself.  However, it is not art unless you share it.  At the moment of sharing it is open to interpretation and, while we are always interested in varied interpretations, when the work is critiqued, meaning interpretation and analysis are written that is the meaning that will go down in history as to who you are and what you and your work is about.  You too must be  able to contextualize your work in order to maintain open dialogue.

As I lust for improvement I lust for context.  As a discipline I have given up excessive talking and superfluous activities.  I have claimed my place at the computer where ideas are placed as soon as they occur, and when my back and eyes are exhausted I move to my silk, my paint, my bookmaking.  Yesterday I continued cleaning my room and my desk.  Could I really have a desk not cluttered?  Could I really handle paper only once and pay my bills upon arrival?

In Anne Fadiman’s essay Mail, she reveals the ritual her father had with mail.  How he waited for the mail to come, peered through binoculars from his office window watching for the mailbox at the bottom of the hill to fill.  Making the ritualistic journey down, then back up the hill, arms stuffed, was his daily routine.  He piled the mail on his desk, then proceeded to go thought it systematically, answering all the letters, paying all the bills.  This was his job.  This is what he did.

If I forgo the meaningless dialogue, the rehashing of mundane, melodramatic life stories, they could be put to better use in making art and time to sit at my desk might reveal itself.  My desk would become the same as May Sarton’s desk where she not only sat and wrote, she contextualized about sitting and writing.

July 2002